sunday nights,

GERONTOPHOBIA - the fear of growing up.

what a boring day. my little brother made me promise that i would be home by the time he came back from temple so we can build another house in the living room. i'm glad he enjoyed himself last night, when we made a "house" out of blankets, pillows, and chairs. lately, i've been missing my childhood more and more. i remember trying to be peter pan (i think i attempted flying by jumping off a table). remember when dreamcast was the shit? or when scraping your knee on the playground was on a regular basis? or when waking up on saturday mornings looking forward to cartoons and cinamon toast crunch?

okay, maybe some of us still enjoy that last luxury, but many of us are preparing for SAT's, ACT's, and the reality of the life after our 18th birthday. myself included. but i can never forget my past that exists as nothing but a mere memory that i could never bring myself to erase.

one memory that i have always been fond of was the summer i turned 13. a blissful time it was. the warm summer breeze wrapped upon serenity, jubilance, and my first teenage love. i was intoxicated by the fact that someone had finally had the same feelings i had for them, and cared for me just as much as i did. even to this day, i don't think i will ever develop feelings as strong as i had developed for him.

and as the tables turn, i will one day be as old as my parents, my parents as my grandparents, and my grandparents, well.. you know. haha. my mother: my source of love. my younger brothers: my source of happiness. at this point, i don't want to have ANY similiar traits as my dad does at this time and age. ignorant bastard, a good-for-nothing husband and father, who sits at home and does nothing. his greatest pride and joy would probably be his new television set in this empty room in my house.


"The old forget. The young don't know."


xoxo, josie.

little rant

what's wrong with me?

so is it just me, but guys are a bit too honest when it comes to their, uhm, feelings to me? it's not like i do anything to provoke them, i swear, i don't even touch them. but they are just waaaaay too direct with me. regarding my other girl friends, guys are never brutally honest with them as they are with me. i mean, i guess at one point, i liked that attention that they gave me, but now, with no elaboration, it repulses me.

however, i contradict myself. guys who are too innocent turn me off; they have no experience. but then on the contrary, guys who are so-called players also turn me off. and when it comes to guys in general, there's no middle; it's either one or the other.

on a different note, i like fake you are. with your expensive clothes and trying to be "popular." quite frankly, you're just trying to hard (just like sum yung ho). you act so hard but, when in reality, we all know how weak you simply are. and on top of that, you're a good-for-nothing impulsive liar. you manipulate people to the point to where they eventually ravel in to your bullshit. so go and pretend as if the world revolves around you. and while your at it, learn this: your money and material posessions will only take you so far in life..

which leads me up the next person.. you're a slut. honestly, i'm sorry for your boyfriend. your family. yourself. poor guy, he should've known karma would hit him hard.. your ass cheated on your ex to get with him. your family; you put them through so much of your shit, i'm surprised they have kicked your ass out yet. your own dad called you a slut and told your ex to leave you because he knows what kind of person you are. it's surprising, how different you are from your sister. yourself; GET A GRIP. learn to stop cheating, you have an amazing boyfriend who STILL took you back after you cheated on him with an acquantaince of mine (hey, and your stupid for doing that. you fucked up.) your going to end up nowhere in life. with that broken hip of yours! your gonna be a one-legged prostitute.. you should take a trip down to holt, hoe.

xoxo, josie

didn't know

just a few things i've been needing to get off my chest for a while now..

i had a chance with you, it would've worked out better than your friend and i had. some people are just so impatient, i hate to say i'm one of them. i don't wait; in fact, i hate waiting. now, i regret not waiting. i knew that you were interested, i just didn't care. you were so nice to me, so sweet. i'm stupid, i should've WAITED. i was completely oblivious to the fact that you would've treated me way better. your friend was a jerk to me, you told me yourself to not "move so fast," and warned me about him.

so after an ex of mine broke up with me, my life as i knew it had completely annihilated, into little pieces that i couldn't pick up. i was distraught, lost, astrayed; i couldn't seem to find myself. i went to you first. even though, our friendship started off a bit weird, we grew from that. we grew to see each other has just friends. in the process of getting to know you, laughing at your jokes that don't make sense, listening to your wise advice, learning your fears and insecurities, somewhere in the middle, i fell in love with you.

it's funny how life works out.

xoxo, josie

quick update

it's been about cool minute since i've updated, it's been a while since i wrote a few lines.. but thanks for bearing with me, to those who actually read about my monotonous life.

a week ago. what an awful night. i spent the entire night tossing and turning, because i couldn't sleep. i remember crying unbelievably much, to the point to wear i was hoping and praying for something along to just kill me. mankind is so selfish; they act on impulse, without deeply contemplating the matter. ridiculous.

i've been talking so much shit about everyone lately. i'm getting agitated by the littlest things! everyone around me seems to have a negative accountability in everything they do and i always happen to take notice of their actions. there are only a few people who have yet to piss me off and i hope they don't. and at the same time, i'm losing touch with so many around me.. but quite aberrantly enough, i've been meeting more people lately. haha.

so there's this one girl, that i've known for a while. oh gosh, does she piss me off! i'm about ready to chew her head off. it's funny how she thinks she's the shit, when she's this fat slut, benighted by the players arond her! i loooove how she thinks she's so hot when she's got the fattest lips, fattest nose, and is the fattest girl (with no ass & tits) i've seen. UGLY ASS HOE. and i'm glad now, because other people think the same thing, so i'm not in this alone. >:[

ew, i'm heated just thinking about it. good night folks.

xoxo, josie!

yeah, you.

stop acting like you give a damn.

YEAH..

i can't help but feel a little jealous :/ i mean, i've finally learned to move on.. but i still miss you.

french tips.

i've been stuck in a dark hole of illusions for nearly three and half years now. flamboyant images from the past haunt me to this very day, and i can't seem to escape from a time of arrant happiness that will forever cease as a memory. i'm still irrevocably (know your vocab, Twilight lovers!) in love with you. my mind is entangled by this perfect teenage love that holds me back in my everyday actions. maybe one day, in the far future, our paths will be met again and you'll realize that you're just as in love with me as you were when things were perfect. but until then, i'll learn to wait patiently for something that i will never have at the tip of my finger again.. or i can just simply get over this and move the hell on.

after i wrote that last entry this morning, i went to take my morning shower. i looked at myself in the mirror. i was disgusted. i was disgusted by the fact that lately i've been lying so frequently to the few that love me, for me. my mother can't distinguish whether what i say is the truth or a lie, if i'm really reliable as i say i am. i haven't lied this much to her ever. i've been getting so caught up in hanging out with my friends and trying to have a good time, i've been forgetting about those who really matter-- my beloved family. however, i'm not blaming myself entirely. it'd be so much easier if the woman weren't so strict on me; then maybe that way i wouldn't have to lie to her as much. i cried myself to sleep last night because i was so fed up with myself on how i'm pushing the person who i love the most on the face of this planet away. i haven't cried so much in so long. i've been such a bitch to her, i'm picking the littlest fights with her over the littlest things. i miss my mommy.

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

xoxo, josie

saturday morning.

FOOLISH HEART - NINA

I need a love that grows
I don't want it unless I know
But with each passin' hour
Someone, somehow
Will be there, ready to share

I need a love that's strong
I'm so tired of being alone
But will my lonely heart
Play the part
Of the fool again, before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore

I'm feelin' that feelin' again
I've been playin' a game I can't win
Love's knockin' on the door
Of my heart once more
Think I'll let him in
Before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before, you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore
Foolish heart
Foolish, foolish heart
You've been wrong before

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore
Foolish heart

Oh foolish
foolish heart
You've been wrong before

Foolish
foolish heart
Foolish heart


indeed, this beating black lump located in my chest is foolish. i've dealed and betted with love numerous times, each time different. i've hurt some, i've lost some. however, i can't ever stress enough that none of it was intentional. it's never a good idea to give and take with me, especially with my credulous actions. that's something i'll admit. i never know what i want; unbeliveably indecisive. sometimes i wonder if i'm too picky.

the other day, i laid eyes on someone so implausibly attractive. i haven't seen anyone so breath takenly clean-cut in so long; he was my friend's older brother. i could recall that for the longest time, she was trying to to re-introduce us. when i first walked through her front door, he was sitting at the kitchen table. as i greeted their mother, he gave me an incredulous look. then as a few moments passed by of awkward gawking, he finally said, "you used to come here back in the day, right?" i was astounded. he remembered me from our childhood. growing up, we used to walk to school sometimes. he gave me a half-floundering hug. i was flushed. later on, i learned that he was going to be restationed in North Carolina. but he had just came home from Texas two weeks ago! he's going to stay in NC for 6 months, he won't even be here during the summer. how depressing.

xoxo, josie.

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle.

today turned out much better than i expected. i wasn't feeling too good in the morning, so i had to cancel on gorbi for tonight :/ gosh, i feel like such a flake sometimes. anyway, school was such a drag today. it was an unexceptional school day, nothing special today. mmm, well there was some innocent flirting in between classes, but that's another story :) well, lunch was somewhat of a non-inclusion, i caught up with sandy today. goodness, we're alike in so many different ways. but i can't help but feel as if we're drifting apart. we've had our differences and little arguments over the course of the years, but we've grown so much from through and from that.

beyond shadow of doubt, it's finally hitting me that we're graduating in a little less than 13 months. i mean, compared to the seniors graduating in a few weeks, that's nothing. however, to little ol' me, it's so far-fetched that we've beared almost 3 years in this God-forsaken hole they call high school. disagreements that lead to drama with friends, arguments with parents, and more than enough heartbreaks with boys, was it all really worth the trouble? there were so many things that were avoidable.. but i guess in a sense, it was all a learning experience.

howbeit, there was on thing that i didn't get too acquainted with in high school: young love. even in middle school, i managed to fall in love with someone totally unexpected. and as this school year is coming to an end, i loose all hope that i may be able to, someday, fall in love with someone who will love me unconditionally, as i will love them in return. i hate to admit it, but i'm a hopeless romantic. i know, i've had my fair share of mishaps and leading guys on.. but it's all through my naive mind..

FUCK MY PARENTS, no bullshit. if i were to kill myself right now, just to let you two pathetic individuals that call themselves "parents," it would be your guys' fault if i die tonight. so much for supporting me through everything i've wanted to chase after in life. thank you for allowing for me open up my horizons. you ignorant fools, you irrational bastards. thank you father, for beating me to the point to where i was bleeding homecoming night sophomore year with my best friend in the room. thank you, for calling me pregnant because i got fat and calling me a druggie because i wasn't doing my best in school. thank you mother, for crtisizing every little thing i put myself through, and sitting back while my father would abuse me. thank you so much, i can't give you guys enough credit for raising one fucked up daughter.

tonight was stupid. they took my phone away. my father called me stupid, and that it's too late to help me. my mother backed him right up on that, reminding all the shit i put them growing up. guilt tripping ain't going to make your sorry ass look like your the victim here.

wow, an hour as passed since i've written that.. my dad thinks i'm pregnant AGAIN. and i'm not watching angels and demons tonight. i got my phone taken away for a month. i have to go home everyday right after school. man, this sucks. this day did end up in shit. FUCK MY LIFE.

what up blogspot.

before i drifted away to sleep last night, i pondered the hour away.

i kept thinking about who i was before. i laid in bed reminiscing when i was instantly attracted to any guy who gave me the slightest attention. i used to try SO hard, in an act of desperation. i think it might have to do with the fact that i used to be so insecure and discontented with myself. anyway, and then that led to think when i was trying to "change" from that. haha. gosh, was that a bust! i took the guy who was most convenient to me, and tried to force myself to fall in love with him. all that resulted in was dissatisfication, a broken heart, and an entire summer wasted (it actually was last summer). i wasted a perfectly good friendship, someone who was always there for me. i hate to admit it, but i kinda miss talking to him.

and NOW, i just don't seem to care. putting my heart on the line of lust is so blasé now, i'm kinda letting it sit there, collecting dust. i lead guys on for the attention that captivates the moment, but then it diminishes and i move on. i can honestly say i've met a few good guys lately for once, i'm just.. uninterested for once. actually, they're annoying as FUCK. haha. i mean, yeah, it's a good thing that i don't see every guy as a potential boyfriend anymore, but it kinda bores me. now, the attention that i receive from guys' kinda suffocates me, i don't take any of it to heart.

it's once in a blue moon where i find someone that genuinely interests me. and more often than not, he's a fuckin' player.

i'm the girl your momma told you to stay away from :)

xoxo, josie.

"nigga, blog it out."

it leaves me in utter astonishment in how i still manage to have this strong embrace of feelings that hurt me a million and one times. it's leaves me even more astonishment that it's never going to change. i'm always going to want and yearn for something that i will never have in my possession again.. not that it was ever mine in the first place. but i can't help but ask myself, why? why was it so different with you? believe me-- i'm not the one to develop feelings for someone so vigorously. but for once, your ass got me on my toes.

i honestly thought i got over it. i was happy on my own two feet for a while, just having fun. but then i stopped and looked over at my old phone and thought about what i was going through before i had broken it.. and it just lead to a series of estranged thoughts that i thought that i had erased completely out of my memory. but that's far beyond my capacity, i should've known that it'd come back to haunt me eventually.

ridiculous. i miss you so unbelievably much. i want a fucking time machine, damn it.

xoxo, josie.

just an update.

WOW, have i been happier lately! things have been looking on the brightside for me; i'm so glad. it doesn't necessarily mean that things have been going my way. i'm just looking forward to more things, i'm actually looking forward to summer school! i might be taking government and econ at either pomona high or chs. ohhh, and i'm taking the SAT's again, at damien this time, because it was full at chs. i would've taken it at montclair, except i didn't wanna take it by myself! so i'm taking it with tiffany and theresa (: i swear, i'm always mixing you two up!

i went to the fiesta this last weekend, i actually i enjoyed myself. sorry for the negative comments though, i was just in a pissy mood because i was just thinking what if.. but they were just silly thoughts (: i won two fishes, lol! and a big blow up hammer.. haha.

well, a good friend of mine and her boyfriend recently broken up, and i feel that now since they aren't together, her ex is being much meaner to me. he's insulting me much more and it hurts. it hurt to the point to where i wanted to cry in front of all our friends, but i managed to hold back.

well, back on a happier note, haha. what else can i catch you guys up on? oh, i'm boy free i guess. well, not really i lie. haha. i guess there are a few guys who i'm just getting to know, but really, i'm not interested in anyway. it's actually a good feeling, i'm not being pulled down any hurt feelings like i was in the past couple of months by a certain someone. well i lie again. haha there is one guy who i have my eye on, but i'm just keeping that low key right now; i don't want it to be a big mess.

i guess that's it, sorry it's just a bunch of rambled thoughts and i'm sure it doesn't make much sense.

xoxo, josie

ps- follow me on twitter!

www.twitter.com/uhmjosie

GOOD BYE CALIFORNIA,

hello arizona! yess, here i am. it's unbelievably hot though! thank goodness for air conditioning. we're waiting here at melisa's cousin's house, antonio, while her aunt, grandma, and mother come back from the casino. but that's going to take hours, even though they only have about 75 bucks on them. well, that's it for now folks. 

xoxo, josie.