clueless.

i don't know why i expected it to be any different this time.

erased

just before i was drifting away to sleep last night, i promised myself one thing: for you to be erased out of my life. not just erased, in a sense that we don't talk anymore. but erased; i'll get over you. but i guess that was your cue to come back. just when i least expected it, you texted me. honestly, my heart skipped a beat. ask anh, haha. please, let it be a goodbye tonight.

nostalgia's a bitch.

i miss talking to you. i liked how you were just a call or text away. it was nice while you were here. you kept me busy for a while. and now there's nothing left. diminished. nothing but a mere memory.

it would make it so much easier if you didn't have such a good grasp on words. you know just what to say at just the right times. you kept me at my tippy-toes at all times, and i, ignorant enough, lingered to the end. you're just a guilty pleasure. it's going to hurt me more if i don't try to erase you out of my life now, because i'm always going to want you for all the wrong reasons.

and i'm trying. i really am. please hear me out.

xoxo, josie.

ps: it's a letter.

looking back to a year ago, i would have never thought it'd come to this.

hi. it's been a little over a month since we've stopped talking. and i thought i couldn't ever bring myself to ever genuinely like anyone that much ever again. well, nothing's impossible. for more than a month, i was completely infatuated with you. you were here for me when tommy wasn't and through that, i slowly allowed my heart to open up again. even though i knew you were talking to other girls and i had my own boyfriend, i ignored that fact and put it in the back of my mind. because this natural high felt so good, but whatever comes up, must come down. i looked forward to your texts every morning and it kept me pretty occupied throughout the day. and if i were lucky, you would call me later that night. i enjoyed our talks. you were so pensive, unlike all the other guys i've been involved with in the past and that had failed to show me how a good guy is supposed to treat une autre fille.

you broke my heart. and for this i hate you. i hate you how dress so nicely and how good you look in simply jeans and vans. i hate how big your eyes were without those crooked framed glasses. i hate how vivid everything is from our first date. i hate how you can sing so beautifully and how you have such a suave way of words. i hate how you're still in love with her. i hate how soft and passionate your lips are. i hate how i will never forget when you first kissed me, because i waited nearly a year for that kiss. i hate you how you left me when i needed you the most; when you said you'd never leave me.

yet however, i thank you. you showed me how a guy is supposed to treat another girl. you taught me that games don't have to be involved when it comes to attracting another person. you knew when i was lying to myself and kept me in reality. you were so kind to me at my lowest points and on my worst days. for a while, you had me changed for the better. you kept me on ground zero and calmed me down just by speaking, your voice was always so soft.

i guess our story is sealed from here on, because i know i won't be able to put through this one more time. because like i said before, this isn't the first time i had feelings for you. and cette fois, was much harder. for many different reasons. and it's going to hard to let go of this grasp i have, but i should let go. and i hope one day we'll be able to be just friends, because even you said so yourself, haha, we're in a strange 'relationship' aren't we josie?

and for all the little reasons in between, i'm going to miss you.

xoxo, josie.

4/20

a day wasted on drugs, though i did not personally do them myself. HOWEVER, i did make a huge mistake that day.

truly an emotional striken day, so many thoughts were running through my head. just imagine if the car was driving any faster.. even though she had claimed she was slowing down as we were turning. i don't believe her. i just kept replaying the crash over and over in my head, each time, worse as my imagination kept growing wilder. i couldn't sleep that night. it didn't help that i was under the influence.. i woke up with an intense hang over in the morning :/i skipped school that following tuesday. but honestly, my life could've ended right there on indian hill and baseline with a stupid mistake that the THREE OF US MADE. i'm so tired of everyone else blaming each other.. we were all at fault, no one should take the heavier blame. though we were all punished differently, i am relieved to say i got off the easiest. but there's that guilt in the back of my mind that will never be erased. so usually my group of friends don't ever had drama, we all get along fairly well. but this whole thing has created so much friction within my girls, and i feel like i'm caught up right in the middle of it. like i don't need this right now. i'm getting caught up my own shit, partying and getting fucked up and i have decided that i'm going to quit drinking. YESS;; i have said that many times before, but i am going to stick through it. just for the fact that drinking a few shots had almost cost me my life. i kept replaying in my head, what if i never came home that day? that morning my mom had dropped me off at school, with my two younger brothers in the backseat could've been the lasttime i've seen them.. that was a scary thought. i think that's what kept the tears running at the scene.

i need to go backto pomona high. i hate claremont sooo unbelievably much. i wanna go back to pomona and finish up my senior year with all my REAL friends, instead of those fake ass bitches at claremont. tired of everyone's bullshit.

another rambling thought: i'm SOOO stressed, AP tests, SAT's, star testing (a waste of time, california), ACT's. it's so much money i have to spend just so i get into a good college. i know for a while i was saying how i wanted to attend a community college after i graduated, but i decided not to. why? because my parents paid sooo much for my stuff for school. like SAT prep classes (that were a waste of money), endless SAT and AP books, and little things on the side. so i'm not putting any of that to waste. but my freakin' mom won't shut up about which college to attend, and i can't help and snap back. it's not that i don't appreciate it, but it's not like she's going to college; I AM.

i think i might have insomnia. PEACE.




so i'm following kevin on here:
nahnahaniX (1:12:54 PM): its like a diary no homo

xoxo, josie.

fre$h start.

ha, so i forgot my password for my other blog and it's much too complicated to try to retrieve the password.

so i guess i'll start anew with a new blog! (:

SOOO basically, spring break is just about ending and i go back to school tomorrow. i'm not excited whatsoever. but there's only 9 weeks of school left! then i have summer school, which i am NOT looking forward too. but i know i'd rather be doing that than staying at home like a loser. AND THEN SENIOR PICTURES! gosh, freshmen year doesn't even seem that long ago. haha, looking back, i was such a dumb ass, but that's a whole nother story.

spring break summed up: it was okay. i expected more. but i guess it was a week of relaxation with no rush. i even finished all my homework sunday and monday nights so i can really have a break from school and all of that. there were two nights, in particular, where i had stayed at home. i stayed at home friday and saturday nights and it was gaaaaaaaay. i just did a lot of thinking and it was driving me insane. :/ fucking gay, i sweaaar.

mmm, so i kinda got a rude awakening last night, when i was on the phone with lisa. i truly hit rock bottom. who the fuck is this JOEY HOANG? mmm, some faggot, who seems too much of a creeper and needs to get a life. he KNEW damn well that i was 16, yet that didn't seem to have stopped him. so as of right now, i'm going to be interested in any guy. especially with school starting again. i need all my attention geared towards school, with no distractions.

xoxo, josie.