last night, i went grocery shopping with my mom and i started tearing up. why? because i thought about how this is going to one of the last times i will be able to go grocery shopping with my mom. okay, so i'm exaggerating. i still have 10 (?) months of grocery shopping with her left, but i knowwww its gonna go by in a jiffffy.
and for those of you who don't know, i'm very close to my mother. well, we argue like all the time, but i try to spend a lot of time with her, especially with college coming soo soon. and what i consider as "mother-daughter time" is running errands with her on her days off (which are only 2 days out of the week, because my dad doesn't work anymore). and i feel like she's the only one who i have in this world, because my dad and i don't really get along so the only person who can really protect me from anything is my mom.
i can't believe i'm saying this, but i think i might already be homesick. for the past couple of weeks, i've been just wanting to stay at home, because i know it's never gonna be the same after i leave. because soon after i graduate, i'm gonna leave for college. then i'm gonna graduate from college four years later (HOPEFULLY, that is. but to be honest, it doesn't seem very likely, especially with all the recent budget cuts -___-), and then i'm gonna have a career of my own and have my own thing going on, and eventually get married and have kids.. and i feel like i'm not going to have any time for my mom in between any of that.
i really don't like saying this, because it makes me sound selfish, but i don't like my mom working. because that takes away time from us and i feel like i don't see her enough, like how much i used to. i used to be sick of seeing her everyday afterschool, but now i miss it soooo much. because it's nice knowing that i'll have a ride home from school everyday, that they'll be REAL food on the table, and how she used to take me wherever i needed to be and would pay for my school stuff.. now it's my dad at home and it's just not the same. i don't know how i'm gonna get home everyday, because he takes off on trips soooo much, and the only food on the table is microwaved shit my mom made either the night before or in the morning. and i can't seem to ask my dad for anything because he always gives me a hard time about stuff. you would think that now that my dad doesn't work anymore, he would have more time for his kids, but it's the complete opposite of that. if anything, he'll make time for tommy, but he's hardly there for tony and i..
blahh i'm starting to cry. haha. and sometimes, i'm afraid she'll get into a car accident coming home from work or something.. she doesn't work that far, she works in san dimas. but idk i get so scared and paranoid. especially when she works late and doesn't answer her phone.
i remember one night after her and my dad got into a fight, she left for a looong time and didn't come home. i was crying like a baby while she was gone. and when she came home with the paper i needed for school, i hit her. LOL i think it was because it was during my rebellious stage in middle school and i didn't wanna show her that i loved her. a year later, i slapped her during the 8th grade, on the way to school one morning. i've never seen her fall apart so easily before, she started crying and didn't let me go to school that day. it wasn't too long after my grandma died so i guess it was overwhelming for her.. that was also the last day i cut myself. yesss, i used to cut myself, stfu. haha. i'm low key emo. lololol
but things have changed SOOOO much since middle school. okaaay it was kinda tough my freshman year, but sophomore, junior, and finally, senior year, i slowly started to show how much i really do love my mom. 2009 has been a good year, i've showed my mom how much i appreciate her waaay more this year than any other time. don't get me wrong, our relationship isn't perfect, but it's improved from 2005.
and our relationship just keeps getting better and better.. this week has, by far, been amazing to us. my mom is the loudest, most stubborn, most obnoxious woman alive, yet i've never met anyone with such a kind heart that's willing to love and forgive anyone. she's risked almost everything by coming here to start a new future for my brothers and i, and i know i would never be able to do that. i'll be lucky if i end up half the strong and motivated woman she is.
she's trying so hard to convince me to stay home for college. and for all those reasons i've listed above are all the reasons i want to stay. the only reasons why i want to stay.
but i want to go to san francisco so bad. lol. and believe me, i have my reasons for going.. but NONE of them nearly compare to my mom.
this kindasorta suckkks.
xoxo, josie.
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